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Welcome to My World

This is somewhere I voice my feelings & thoughts.
Do respect my thoughts & refrain from unnecessary comments.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dear God,

I went K box with my colleagues, I enjoy their company. I spoke to Angela my shi fu in school, wha! her lungs super power, she shout all the kids keep quiet. God it must not be easy to for her to handle our form class 3T1 but she is doing a great job. God help her not to give up, but to press on! I am no where compared to her in the class.
I hope you are listening , I dono if I should trust myself to hand up my work. Lecturer say 5000 words but i only wrote 4000. I dono what to do.

Your Daughter

Monday, September 20, 2010

Thank you for loving me

"No one who lights a lamp conceals it with a vessel
or sets it under a bed;
rather, he places it on a lampstand
so that those who enter may see the light.
For there is nothing hidden that will not become visible,
and nothing secret that will not be known and come to light."

Some one once told me , in order to lead n guide people , u will need to rely on HiS strength. In the few years that has passed me by, I am happy to have had these people around me to support me, sometimes when I am tired out , when i feel low. Sometimes it is really hard to be the light to someone, especially when you know that it is not their time.

In the passage above, I was reminded of the talents I have, & the gifts that God has so lovingly poured down upon me, It just makes me feel as though sometimes i am like this river being filled by a giant humongous fountain of love. Each time i choose to keep this love to myself , the fountain will flow in drops but when i give and give more, he continues to pour his un-weavering heart on me.

My Dad's Aunty passed on just yesterday, she was the first lady that I have known in my life that lived till 100 years old. Yep! But what i was more comforted to hear was when all her family members whom i met (FOR THE 1st TIME - in my entire 25 yrs) had said to me, "she has lead a good life." I couldn't help but tot to myself, how could someone so old, and frail have a good life? It was then that i realized, she has had, great great grand children all by her side & a whole bunch of people who came for her wake, wreaths and even a loving grand daughter who sang for the services at the void deck, and even a family constantly devoted to prayers. Though it was the first time i met them, they were all so sweet , so welcoming. - typical Eurasian - it runs in the blood. I also saw people who looked like me, hehe - similar facial features...

Today as i was on my way back from school, a couple of uncultured boys were taunting 2 girls, the girls kept quiet and they just bored the bus, and knowing that they didn't really felt comfortable to begin with. The commuters at the bus stop too felt uncomfortable but -being singaporeans - they minded their own business. Yes and I had to walk into their path. Of coz i was not spared, but being the ME I am, I hate (note i never use this words unless needed) people who pick on others who are weak. Well taunting begin. As I stood there, watching them, I asked God what should I do & this words came into mind

"Take care, then, how you hear.
To anyone who has, more will be given,
and from the one who has not,
even what he seems to have will be taken away."

Why should I stoop to their levels? and since i am their teacher more is expected of me, to teach them what is right. Ignoring is not all the time the best thing especially when you see them doing wrong. So as the 81 approached, i turned to them & told them "You guys should to respect your friends & teachers." I walked up & the EPIC moment was when i saw
1) as they were teasing me thinking i wouldn't react , I DID !
2) the laughter on their face were wiped off
3) the smile on the commuters face & the glare of disgust at them.

So as the bus drove off into the scene, I told my BEST FRIEND (GOD) thank you for accepting me who i am, giving me friends who care for me from within & loving me so much. As I gazed at the open land on the TPE expressway, i told GOD, Bless all those who have yet to learn & are searching for you , the ultimate love. (*ahem those that can't accept who i am)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Just had an injection today. Now feeling the aftermath of it. As I sit at the adoration room gazing on him, i realize that at times we can be really in sensitive.

Injection is never painless, just like how the needles pierces into our skin and the words coming so quickly out of your mouth pierces into our hearts.

Plunging the liquid into our body, is when the true hurts begin, so will our in-sensitive words hurt us from within spreading to all parts of our body.

When pulling the needle out, it is painless, just the same as our words - we are so often mindless

However Putting a cotton/plaster to cease the bleeding can never be the same as trying to heal a wound in the heart.

In the Overall process of Injection, one has to be mindful to be quick and painless, our words are also quick but mindless. But what can never be the same is the intesity of pain inflicted on someone can hurt a million times more than a simple injection that sometimes simple plaster / cotton wool can never cease the bleeding.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

i am who i am , if i can accept u for who you are, why can't u accept me for who i am ?
stop putting your expectations on me.
stop blaming me for the faults that happen in your life.
what is wrong in being close to god?
what is wrong with caring a little more for u all?

I am sorry for caring
I am sorry for walking into your life
I am sorry i enjoy his presence
I am sorry for being who i am.

Maybe leaving is just a better option.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Knowing myself - Tired & Emptiness

I guess i am tired. Guess it is time, I should move on! Dono... this 2 months has been a period of dryness in prayer. Haven't heard from him everytime i sit in there. Sometimes i wonder to myself - Why am I always worrying about how people are thinking and feeling - not about me of coz.. even sister also ask me, but I have no answer to that.

How have I been ... Well free now for a while as you can tell. After so many months of struggling to forget, to move on, I realize I m not. Not coz I can't, but coz I am put there for a reason. For a lesson. To be able to recognise the feelings i am going through & deal with it - bit by bit

Emptiness is what I feel at times. my body and mind is saying "sigh what is point of doing any other things since you are not here" It is painful but it is more than loneliness - it is emptiness. Filling it up with God's Love is the best thing I am doing.

Sometimes even the "Reminder Syndrome". Unable to see you and unable to be by your side, the sight of places, objects, smell, songs and food triggers reminds me of what we have done. The subconscious within me reminds me of you.

Negative thoughts - why did we meet? why does this have to happen to me? the UNHOLY trinity of coz. sometimes even thinking I may not be able to met someone as nice as you. Hoping to see you - but yet when I see you, dono what to say, dono how to react, or probably even afraid to make you sad.

All these makes me sound as though I am in a bad state. Surprisingly being the girl I am, I am strong to continue persevering . Thanks to my pillars of support, Times like this is tough, but they were by my side. Even at times I would just sit in front of the blessed sacrament & cry my lungs out. Sometimes sad till I have no tears. Guess no one really knows me as well as HE does. I gave myself 1 year to discern. In this time, I am here if there is ever a chance, and a time to hear him & wonder if vocation was my calling.

Certain statements people use to tell me:
#1 "Don't Worry! Time heals all wounds"
#2 "You will have to fall deeper - lowest end of your life- in order for you to recover "
#3 "The best cure is to find another person to replace him."
These statements that i hear from my aunty & friends ... nah!! it doesn't work man!

Correct statement
#1 Time will heal all wounds if you take REAL ACTION! : Get up.. get rid of all my negative thinking & look on the positive side of things, he is in a better place & if i continue to sink deeper, I will hurt those that truly love me.

#2 There is no magic painkillers in your life except the one who knows you through and through & he will nv give you a cross too heavy for you to carry. Even you fall down you need to do the next thing. - GET UP! & that is just what I did... each time i walk i stumble, I fall hit rocks on the ground but Just brush off the dirt & walk on. Each time I fall i notice HE will send people or things to let me know he is there... sunshine (warmth) , Friends, even my family & Babies.

#3 I do not like replacements neither do i want to be someone else's replacement. Anyone who walks in and out of my life sets a chapter in my life. Getting with someone will just slow down the "healing" or even add on to the pain - esp to places you used go e.g. ECP Ben & Jerry's.

I do not even know where i am walking to. Into the uncertainty of life. But if life is always so predictable like most chinese drama serial ... how fun can it be Right? I can become the director of the shows alr. Hope this helps you if you are feeling any of this at the present moment. Know that GOD is there... watching over you too.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010