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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Hurt

Have you ever felt that sometimes what ever you do is always wrong in the eyes of others? that whatever you do is never good enough for the other?
Have you ever felt that what ever you say is never accepted?
You feel as though you are bad in every aspect of your life.
You feel as though you can't listen to instructions? You're being defiant.
Because of what they say, it hurts so deep that u feel you are a jurk or slut in your life.
and you feel that you were better off not being born?

I do or I did. I felt it for myself. Got in the way of my parents once again. I'm never good enough in their eyes, always the black sheep of the family. Calculative or jealousy as one may call it, I can never be better than my brother.
He can play his computer everyday, need not bother a bit about my life and things at home, but I have to.
He can work till 6+ and still need not fetch my dad around, but I have to rush home from work, fetch him around no matter what.
He can go to church at ungodly hours of the weekends, but I have to tag along with them.
He need not serve in church, but I would be questioned every single time when I would like to share my problems with them - I guess I would be better off without serving / sharing right?
Sometimes I really wonder, am I their child or am I better off not being in this world?

I heart was very painful as I sat in the adoration room alone. I remembered once a friend of mine asked me these questions and I replied him. "there is no bad person in this world, but only people who make bad decisions in their lives. Secondly, instructions and expectation differs from person to person, it is how it is executed. Lastly, who you are a gift from God, what you do is a gift to God." These words came to me & I held back my thoughts, each time when I go for a camp, serve in church, I would always get scolded for it. Is it me or is it the MR S.A.TAN trying his luck again?

The words of todays readings came to me:
"Blessed are those who have been called to the wedding feast of the Lamb"

Hey girl, you are called to be his instruments, his testimony, and if you can't even testify HIS love to your family, what more others. Why are u still upset? why are u still feeling so hurt? To be able to be a testimony of his love is an opportunity for u to spread his love.
Immediately, I stopped all these negative thoughts and picked up myself, to try to love all those who hurt me most. I SMS my parents, I said sorry. It took me great courage, great love to put down the pride I had and of coz i cried as I wrote this SMS realizing how Imperfect I am but still am given a family to love me..

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