Knowing myself - Tired & Emptiness
I guess i am tired. Guess it is time, I should move on! Dono... this 2 months has been a period of dryness in prayer. Haven't heard from him everytime i sit in there. Sometimes i wonder to myself - Why am I always worrying about how people are thinking and feeling - not about me of coz.. even sister also ask me, but I have no answer to that.
How have I been ... Well free now for a while as you can tell. After so many months of struggling to forget, to move on, I realize I m not. Not coz I can't, but coz I am put there for a reason. For a lesson. To be able to recognise the feelings i am going through & deal with it - bit by bit
Emptiness is what I feel at times. my body and mind is saying "sigh what is point of doing any other things since you are not here" It is painful but it is more than loneliness - it is emptiness. Filling it up with God's Love is the best thing I am doing.
Sometimes even the "Reminder Syndrome". Unable to see you and unable to be by your side, the sight of places, objects, smell, songs and food triggers reminds me of what we have done. The subconscious within me reminds me of you.
Negative thoughts - why did we meet? why does this have to happen to me? the UNHOLY trinity of coz. sometimes even thinking I may not be able to met someone as nice as you. Hoping to see you - but yet when I see you, dono what to say, dono how to react, or probably even afraid to make you sad.
All these makes me sound as though I am in a bad state. Surprisingly being the girl I am, I am strong to continue persevering . Thanks to my pillars of support, Times like this is tough, but they were by my side. Even at times I would just sit in front of the blessed sacrament & cry my lungs out. Sometimes sad till I have no tears. Guess no one really knows me as well as HE does. I gave myself 1 year to discern. In this time, I am here if there is ever a chance, and a time to hear him & wonder if vocation was my calling.
Certain statements people use to tell me:
#1 "Don't Worry! Time heals all wounds"
#2 "You will have to fall deeper - lowest end of your life- in order for you to recover "
#3 "The best cure is to find another person to replace him."
These statements that i hear from my aunty & friends ... nah!! it doesn't work man!
#1 Time will heal all wounds if you take REAL ACTION! : Get up.. get rid of all my negative thinking & look on the positive side of things, he is in a better place & if i continue to sink deeper, I will hurt those that truly love me.
#2 There is no magic painkillers in your life except the one who knows you through and through & he will nv give you a cross too heavy for you to carry. Even you fall down you need to do the next thing. - GET UP! & that is just what I did... each time i walk i stumble, I fall hit rocks on the ground but Just brush off the dirt & walk on. Each time I fall i notice HE will send people or things to let me know he is there... sunshine (warmth) , Friends, even my family & Babies.
#3 I do not like replacements neither do i want to be someone else's replacement. Anyone who walks in and out of my life sets a chapter in my life. Getting with someone will just slow down the "healing" or even add on to the pain - esp to places you used go e.g. ECP Ben & Jerry's.
I do not even know where i am walking to. Into the uncertainty of life. But if life is always so predictable like most chinese drama serial ... how fun can it be Right? I can become the director of the shows alr. Hope this helps you if you are feeling any of this at the present moment. Know that GOD is there... watching over you too.